The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
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