Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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