my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
