Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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