theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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