I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
