How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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