I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize