Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
