this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
