Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
