Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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