I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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