my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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