Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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