The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize