she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
