You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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