He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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