So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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