You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
After last night, I could never be a politician.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
