My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
