Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
