yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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