i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I have aggressive nipples.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
