I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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