This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
