but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize