she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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