the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
