: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
