Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
