Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
