After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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