When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
