I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
