i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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