last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
