What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
