She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
she pinky promised me she was 18
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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