PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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