I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
