As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
