i permit you to call me
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
