If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
