My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
