careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
whose parrot is this?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
