I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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