his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
