shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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