I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
