On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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