I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We have started to decorate penises.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
