If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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