So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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