woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
