he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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