i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
