i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
