I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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