Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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