I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
