I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
