Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
So much rum. So many feels.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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