I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
