I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
