And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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