My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize