I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I wish i was in the wii world.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
